~L0st iN My 0wN miNd~

not bad, not bad… maganda-ganda ang araw ko ngayon:

~ woke up to the smell of champorado… astig. donut na lang kulang.

~ started playing Gensosuikoden V because i didn’t feel up to playing Kingdom Hearts 2 (asar pa rin ako dahil napamahal na si Roxas - that’s pronounced "ROX-as" - sa akin, tapos hindi naman pala siya yung main character ko! hmph!) or Spiderman (nilampaso talaga kasi ako ng mga thugs dati eh..). i played till lunchtime where…

~ kuya bought a bucket of KFC! wheeee!!! busog! hahaha, we even had tita menchit come over for lunch.

~ kuya and i convinced tita menchit to borrow our "Saw" dvd. hahaha, she hates horror movies though, so she should be in for a treat. "tita, trust us, it’s not a horror movie. suspense, yes. maybe even a little comedy." mga salbaheng bata! nyahahahahaha!!! hep, hep, hep! tekaaaa… comedy? oo naman! bakit? natawa naman ako nung kinuha nung girl yung susi sa loob ng kaibigan niya ah… diba comedy na yun? *snicker*

~ so, to the highlight of my day… after lunch, i was brushing my teeth in my mom’s bathroom without having the door locked since i wasn’t really doing anything that needed privacy. i heard my mom come into the room and i heard her put her hand on the doorknob. ssshhh… kausap niya si ate. okay, now picture this: the door opens slowly to reveal my mom still talking to my ate, so she’s looking the other way. i, on the other hand, was standing there with my toothbrush still in my mouth full of toothpaste and toothpaste uhh.. froth. so what do i do…? i screamed. nyahahahaha!!! she screamed as well! and if i saw it right, i think she even hopped an inch off the floor when she screamed in response. god, i can’t stop laughing even as i write this! of course, after her initial reaction (and while i was concentrating on trying to spit out the toothpaste before i choke on it), she slapped me on the arm together while she berated me. haha, i didn’t care. i was still laughing. ayun tuloy. in-off ang ilaw tapos sinarado pa ang pinto habang palabas. ang dilim tuloy… haha, pero buti na lang tawang-tawa pa rin ako kaya i didn’t really mind the darkness this time. a friend warned me to watch out though. lagot daw ako sa magiging anak ko dahil babalik daw lahat ng ginawa kong kakulitan sa mom ko. my response? bring it on! (<– not verbatim though)

~ i took a nap then woke up to find a text from my xbox supervisor waiting for me. pasok daw ako ng monday for contract signing. sweet. at least i’m saved of having to sit through tests and interviews again. hehe… tamad. besides, i’d much rather return to xbox anyway. i mean, it’s playing while working! =) saan ka nga ba naman kasi makakahanap ng center na may "Shorts Day" diba?

(xbox models: cy in red and kuya in blue)

~ so what comes next? a day like this can only be called perfect if it ends nicely. so… i guess i’ll just play suikoden again. ayus na yun. suikoden now. kfc dinner a little later, followed by another round of champorado perhaps. that sounds like a good enough ending. yep. yun na lang.

so many things on my mind right now…

~ should i just give up on xbox and just join some other call center while i continue the search for my life’s true calling?

~ i generally don’t like children… but why is it that i usually find myself the one in charge of them when the adults are busy chitchatting??

~ with another friend’s upcoming departure for california, i find myself thinking… when will the time come for me to say goodbye to the people in the philippines in hopes of finding my ‘personal legend" abroad?

~ bakit napaka-seryoso ko na naman? why can’t i just smile, smile, smile instead??

~ how do i finish all the combat missions in Queens in the spiderman game? those nasty thugs are loaded with knives, swords, guns, and flame throwers AND they travel in groups too! and i’m only one person for godsakes! one brave, little spider swinging from tree to tree — oh no, wait. that’s george of the jungle. the one that swings from tree to tree, i mean. he’s not a spider, just a man… who was… left… ah nevermind. you get it anyway, i’m sure.

~ bakit ang haba ng intro ng kingdom hearts 2?! asar… after 3 hours of playing the game, that’s when i learned that the character i was playing isn’t the character i’ll be stuck with for the rest of the game! ay, wala… si kuya na bahala sa game ko. balik spiderman na lang ako… or burn-out. hmm.. haven’t played that in a long time…

~ bakit ang sarap-sarap mag-soundtrip? kahit mag-isa ka lang basta panalo mga sounds mo, ayus na… bakit?

~ bakit tumigil ang ulan? at bakit halos sa gabi na lang umuulan? ang saya-saya tuloy. sarap mag-drama sana kaso wala naman akong kelangang ipagdrama… well… i mean apart from the usual shit, of course. but of course i’m sick of worrying about all that i’ve been worrying about up until this point so why bother worrying about being worried about something you always worry about when you know that all that worrying’s going to bring you are more worries? so many worries, so little time…

~ bakit hindi pa inaalis si zayra sa rockstar supernova? the world can see she’s hot (as hell, as some put it…) but come on! whoever wins will be supernova’s vocalist! supernova? hello?? tommy lee, gilby clarke, and jason newsted? do you really see those three behind the likes of her? she seems nice and all, but face it… she’s not cut out for the job.

~ why can’t i just wake up and find my hair has grown back to its original length and color? the wait is killing me!

~ bakit hindi pa rin ako nagsasawa sa kakahanap ng champorado at dunkin donuts? yang donuts na yan ilang araw na yan haaa… nakakain na nga ako nun kasama ni kuya big brother ("baboy" daw ako… haha, soooooo true kuya. so true.) nung isang araw pero hanggang ngayon, hinahanap-hanap ko pa rin. and no, it can’t be just any kind of donut. uh-uh. it has to be dunkin. i won’t settle for anything more nor less. dunkin. chocobutternut, choco-wacko, and choco-honey dipped. period.

~ bakit ang dami kong tanong, eh wala namang kwenta mga tanong ko?

~ …ano kayang kakainin ko ngayong dinner? …may champorado na kaya ulit? hmmm… sana.

curiously enough, my mood’s quite equivalent to when i experienced that hellish monday. i can’t figure it out though… gusto ko na lang sumigaw…

WALA NAMANG NANGYARING MASAMA SAYO NGAYON AH! BAKIT KA NAGAGALIT SA MUNDO?!! GUMAGAWA KA NA NAMAN NG SARILI MONG DRAMA EH! TUMIGIL KA NA NGA SA KAKAANDAR! TIGIL! TIGIIIIIIIILLLL!!!

…gusto kong ma-brain dead pero syempre hindi naman pwede yun. so i’ll do the next best thing - tutulog na lang ako. nawalan ng saysay at pakinabang ang araw na ito simula nung natapos ang umaga. tama. tutulog na lang ako. sleep and hope to whoever makes wishes come true that the day’ll seem bright once again by the time i wake up tomorrow. hn. as if.

I’m feeling so bad And Lord it feels so good Just wallowin’ low Down the dark alleys of my neighbourhood Don’t tell me to perk Don’t tell me to sparkI’m loving every minute of this dark heart Ooh baby I got them black heart blues

You say I’ll emerge My demons all purged You say I can change All I need is the urge You want me to smile I’ve got bile in my throat Right now I’m hell and I’m takin’ off my coat Ooh baby I got them black heart blues

it’s "Blackheart Blues" by Melissa Forbes. it actually ends nicely enough but i just can’t bring myself to include the end just yet. doesn’t suit me. moody ako ngayon eh. asar sa buhay dahil wala akong magawa pero marami akong gustong gawin PERO wala naman akong pera para gawin ang mga gusto ko. kaya eto. sa bahay lang ulit. pine-perfect ko na lang rating ko sa hitman. paulit-ulit lang.

paulit ulit ulit ulit ulit ulit ulit ulit ulit…

show me a person who is truly content. a person who wants absolutely nothing more for himself and for others. hirap noh? we all want something. but that’s supposed to be a good thing, right? wanting something? it should inspire you to move in the direction that would allow you to achieve whatever it is your heart desires. but.. what if what you want is something you know you can NEVER, EVER, EVER have? that’s when the wanting hurts. that’s when it hurts the most. why? because you know that no matter how hard you try - no matter how perfect you may have made youself seem - you will never have that which you want the most. naranasan niyo na ba yun? when you find yourself afraid (yes, afraid) to even think about that certain something because whenever you do, you sink into a fit of depression? you reach a point where you feel as if a thousand little figures with tiny pitchforks launch a do or die attack on your heart? sasabog na ang utak mo sa hilo? ang kulit noh? wala… i’m ranting. i loooooove to torture myself with questions i know i’ll never learn the answers to. i’m just a masochistic, problematic, neurotic slip of a girl trying to play a woman’s role in the stage play we call "aNaCriSm’s Life". showing for one lifetime only! get your seats reserved at a bargain! discounted price for groups! baliw lang talaga ako. wag niyo na lang ako pansinin. hahahahaha…*sulks*

the problem with me is that, when it comes to my life, i only understand one side of the coin. the other side’s plain gibberish.

bitin! i got to watch pirates of the caribbean earlier with kuya and bitin pare! i miss jack sparrow already. oh wait. correction. CAPTAIN jack sparrow pala… hehehe. astig. i’m in love again! XD

by the way, note to self: hit cyril next time you see him for giving out movie spoilers. =p

hehehe, i took this test from this site and here are the results of my test. hahaha, i can  still save myself if i really wanted to.. but the thing is, do i really want to give up everything i’ve become?

there were a lot of other tests i took, though i lost interest in posting the results on this entry. maybe some other time… or maybe not.

after spending several hours on the net, i’ve finally decided to call it a night. i’ll just wait for midnight to come as i lay in bed. anyway, before i go, i just want to share this with whoever cares to read my blog. it’s a song by Anna Nalick titled "In My Head". twish, you’re right. it’s a great song. i can see why you’d sing it for the person you dedicated it to.

"In My Head"

Under the weight of your wings you are a god and whatever I want you to be
And I wonder if truly you are nearly as beautiful as I believe

In my head your voice
You’ve got all that I need and this make believe will get me through another lonely night

Under the weight of your wings
Should ever we meet on your side of your stereo
I will pretend I know not of your thoughts
And even the way that they mirror my own
I’ll take you away in the way that you take me and go where I go

In my head your voice
You’ve got all that I need
And this make believe will get me through another lonely night

Fall away to the sound of my heart to your beat
Melancholy and cool, kind of bitter sweet
Love on repeat
I’m echoing all your philosophies
And as I fall away to the sound of my heart to your beat
Melancholy and cool, kind of bitter sweet
Love on repeat
I’m echoing all your philosophies
And as I…Oh…

I don’t wanna be fool-hearted
Baby, I’m out numbered in my head
I don’t, I don’t wanna be fool-hearted
Baby, I’m out numbered in my head
My head…

In my head your voice
You’ve got all that I need
And this make believe will get me through another night

Yeah, your voice
You’ve got all that I need
And this make believe will get me through another lonely night

Lonely night…

Under the weight of your wings I make believe you are all that I’ll ever need

All that I need…

**AND I LEARNED A NEW WORD TODAY!**

i happened to come across this word while browsing through the net. in my current state-of-mind however, i have no idea where i got this (i have so many windows opened and i’ve been clicking the left mouse button a number of times!) so unfortunately, i can’t give credit to whoever posted this first… sorry. tamad na rin ako eh.

IGNORANUS - a person who is both stupid and an asshole.

hahahahaha!!! that brightened my uhh.. night for a couple of seconds past 20 at least. i’m still smiling at the thought though… hehehe… babaw.

P.S.  in a few minutes, it will be the 12th of july sooo…

HaPpY BiRtHDay DeAr OnNie!!! ^____^

the sky had darkened considerably by the time i took my last jeepney ride before reaching home. a short 5 minutes later, i stepped down from the jeep and to my dismay, the heavy rains started pouring down. luckily though, i was dropped off at a point close to the dominican college’s waiting shed. after i wrapped all my electronic gadgets in the bubblewrap i happened to have, i spent a good minute trying to decide if i should just brave the rain or if i should have the maid meet me with an umbrella for me to use. after the minute had passed, i shrugged my backpack back on and walked out into the rain. i did not run. i did not jog. i didn’t even walk fast. i simply walked. while un-umbrellad people rushed past me, i just strolled along down the slope (a lot of ups and downs where i live) with a smile. i was drenched, my shoes were making a solid squishy noise, my backpack was getting heavier by the minute, but i didn’t care. it had been so long since i last took a walk under the rain. besides, since i was walking DOWN a sloping road, i didn’t want to rush myself. i could’ve slipped and went flying onto an oncoming car, then my family’d hear news of my being rushed to the clinic nearby and we’d have another tragedy on our hands. nah, i didn’t want to risk it so i took my time… and i enjoyed every minute of it. hehe, i  even paused for a while just in front of the gate even if the keys were already in my hand. i could’ve stayed frozen like that for a long time but i realized i had responsibilities to think of - the bubblewrap wouldn’t have kept the gadgets (both borrowed and owned) safe from the rain forever. with a sigh, i stepped out of my momentary episode of insanity and emerged through the gate that led back home and to reality.

it was a good 10 minutes nonetheless.

*the after effect of deviating from the social norm that dictates that one should seek shelter from the rain…

my eyes feel heavy though i know i’m not that tired yet. the back of my knees are starting to ache as well though i know i didn’t walk around too much. this must be the beginning of a slight fever… ah, crap. looks like i won’t be going anywhere tonight… =(

no, i’m not suicidal or anything close to it. that’s just the title of the song i’m currently listening to. naaliw ako kaya eto… pino-post ko na naman ang lyrics niya. hehe, aliw kasi ang ang kulit. ^____^

Motion City Soundtrack’s

"L.G. Fuad"

Let’s get fucked up and die..
I’m speaking figuratively, of course..
Like the last time that I committed suicide.. social suicide..
Yeah, so I’m already dead on the inside,
But I can still pretend with my memories and photographs,
I have learned to love the lie.

I wanna know what it’s like to be awkward and innocent, not belligerent.
I wanna know how it feels to be useful and pertinent and have common sense.. yeah
Let me in, let me in to the club, cuz I wanna belong,
And I need to get strong, and if memory serves,
I’m addicted to words and they’re useless.

(In this department)
Let’s get fucked up and die..
I’m riding hard on the last lines of every lie,
And the BMX bike of my life is about to explode,
I’m about to explode.
I’m a mess, I’m a wreck.
I am perfect, and I have learned to accept all my problems and short comings,
Cause I am so visceral, yet deeply inept.

I want to thank you for being a part of my forget-me-nots and marigolds..
And all the things that don’t get old..
Is it legal to do this? I surely don’t know.
It’s the only way I have learned to express myself through other peoples’ descriptions of life..
I’m afraid I’m alone and entirely useless…

(In this department)
Let’s get fucked up and die.
For the last time with feeling
we’ll try not to smile
As we cover our heads and drink heavily into the nights
That still shock and surprise.
I believe that I can, overcome this and beat everything in the end
But I choose to abuse for the time being,
maybe I’ll win, but for now I’ve decided to die.

Sister soldier
You’ve been such a positive influence on my mental frame
If I could ever repay you,
I would, but I’m hard up for cash
And my memory lacks initiative.

God damn the liquor store’s closed,
we were so close to scoring
it hurts, it destroys ’til it kills..
I am tired and hungry and totally useless.
(In this department)

when playing, i usually end up just hearing the instruments of the song i’m listening to but i don’t really dwell too much on the lyrics. this song pulled me out of my habit and hahahahaha!!! i don’t know why i found this song funny… but i did. and i still do. go figure.XD

spent the whole afternoon checking this stage out and trying to figure out how to achieve the Silent Assassin ranking… AND AGAIN IT PAID OFF! WAHOOO!!! i’m so happy! (ang sarap pag mababaw ang kaligayahan…) here’s another newspaper article that made me smile that i just had the urge to post it for everyone else to read. hope it brings a smile to your face as well:

CATS SPARK KILLER EXPLOSION
by Frederique Benet

   A powerful explosion ripped through a residential neighborhood of the Parisien suburb of Bondy late last night, destroying three homes and killing five.
   Though residents feared at first they’d been victimized by terrorism, police investigation into the incident suggests the cuplrit may have been much less formidable.
   "There appears to have been a gas leak in the area," Lieutenant Jean Mercur of the Metropolitan Police reports, "so the only question we’re left with is what triggered the spark that set it off? And I’m sad to say the answer seems to have been furry and adorable."
   The lieutenant was referring to the more than twenty-four feline companions of Marie-Louise Kessel, aged 84, who died in the blast. Police are speculating that it was a discharge of static electricity by one or more of the cats that sparked the powerful explosion.
   "Anyone who’s ever owned a long-haired cat knows they can generate static shocks when you touch them. Based on the evidence we’ve been able to gather-which hasn’t been pretty-it looks like Mrs. Kessel may have reached out to stroke one of her cats and ended up detonating the neighborhood."
   The lieutenant stressed that many people have had long and rewarding relationships with long-haired cats without ever experiencing any fatal explosions.
   "It’s pretty unusual," he said.

and as an additional sort of bonus for me, i decided to post the paper’s headline. i mean, after all… they were talking about me.  hehe, but don’t tell anyone of course otherwise, i’d have to kill you too. *wink* i’d have to kill you in the same manner as the two poor saps i was hired to kill in this level - they never knew what was coming. *sssiiiigggghhhh* my mother should be soooo proud of me. at 23, i’m already making headlines all around the world! nyahahahahaha!!! ^___^