~L0st iN My 0wN miNd~

sarap ng prokchop… hahaha! sabaw…

2.33am

i’m supposed to be working today and yet, here i am in the office, unable to start the day right by being productive. don’t ask me why - i wouldn’t know the answer. i’m just randomly recording the thoughts that enter into this twisted little head of mine…

3.19am

i’m back from a trip down to andoks. sarap ng tinrip namin ni cy - kain sa andoks ng masarap at bagong lutong prokchop tas walkathon around the market.

i miss taking very long walks. weekend kaya, trippan ko - whatchoo think? good plan ba? steady?

hahaha… teka nga lang! bakit ganito entry ko? parang may kausap talaga ako noh? see? laughtrip… pero kelangang hindi tumawa ng malakas. baka may makahalatang hindi ako isa sa kanila. alien ako. alien.

why can’t i stop thinking about stuff? teka lang - pause muna ako para palitan ko ang music ko. incubus - warning (live) ang sunod sa listahan - sige, yun na lang. pang-warp yung sounds din dun. panalo pa yung boses ni brandon boyd. hehehe… college days memories invasion alert!

3.25am

bago ko pinalitan yung music ko, may kinukwento nga pala ako. balik tayo dun. (naiimagine niyo bang sinasabi ko mga sinusulat ko dito? this is one of the instances where i write the way i speak… listen and read closely to hear my voice…)

why is it that when a person finds herself with nothing to do, memories start to invade the mind? ganun ba talaga ang mga memories? fillers for when our minds go blank? nah. i’m talking nonsense.

switch topics.

i want to go somewhere with swings near a beach. san meron nun? specific ha! kelangan may swing malapit sa beach. o kaya yung tipong pagnagswi-swing ka natatanaw mo yung beach. naks. natatanaw daw oh. hahaha!

switch.

3.34am

i took another break to check for something on google. lyrics ata ang hinahanap ko pero pointless - as soon as a new browser opened up, i forgot what it was i was supposed to search for. ang kulit.

When you were here before, Couldn’t look you in the eye You’re just like an angel,
Your skin makes me cry

You float like a feather In a beautiful world I wish I was special You’re so very special

But I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo What the hell am I doin’ here? I don’t belong here

I don’t care if it hurts, I wanna have control I want a perfect body I want a perfect soul

I want you to notice when I’m not around You’re so very special I wish I was special

But I’m a creep I’m a weirdo What the hell am I doin’ here? I don’t belong here, ohhhh, ohhhh

She’s running out again She’s running She runs runs runs runs… runs…

Whatever makes you happy Whatever you want You’re so very special I wish I was special

But I’m a creep,  I’m a weirdo What the hell am I doin’ here? I don’t belong here I don’t belong here…

creep. by radiohead. sarap umiyak na lang. tara. dramahan tayo. hehehe…

Broken glass from a window shattered yesterday deep inside I feel the same
All the while reflections of the one that went away Shine off these pale four walls
Dissonance is the only song I want to sing I would pray if I knew that you were listening

Don’t walk away Don’t walk away I surrender to you today This bended knee is breaking me I’ll surrender, I surrender

mayfield four - don’t walk away. hindi ko alam kung san ko ito nakuha pero buti na lang at may kopya ako nito. steady sa umpisa tapos magpipick-up ng onti pero mellow pa rin. hehehe… balladeer ata tong vocalist eh! haha! just kidding. naaaliw na naman ako sa boses. aralin ko tong kantang ito.

3.49am

tinatamad na akong magsulat. aralin ko na lang yung kanta. adios!

hehehe… how i wish society was full of "people" i could kill mercilessly without fear of being arrested for murder. how stressfree i’d be!!! wheeee!

A proud member of the ASSAULT TEAM! kill the zombies! kill the vampires! smoke them out and exterminate them in the name of the human race (yeah right…)! I can’t help but wish I was part of the SHADOW Team as well though… astig din yun eh.  —> (http://www.fvza.org)

ayoko na mag-isip - sayang lang ang braincells ko. hindi nga naman kasi siya sobrang importante sa akin… halata rin namang hindi ako importante sa kanya kaya bakit pa, diba?

bakit nga pa ba talaga?

"…bakit ba pag wala ka na ako’y kulang? ako’y kulang…"

"…Kung ako ay mamalasin At mayron ka nang ibang mahal Ngunit patuloy ang aking pagibig Magpakailanman…"

on a brighter note, here’s something i picked up on while browsing through friends’ profiles:

cris –
[adjective]:

A person of questionable sanity who starts their own cult

‘How will you be defined in the dictionary?’ at QuizGalaxy.com

wahoo! finally found the energy (and time) to update my blog. just a short entry though - i didn’t log in prepared to create an entry.. it just happened. so, since i don’t really want to spend too much time on the net (someone might be trying to call, need to free up the phone lines, ack!), i’ll make this a quick one…

most important news for the moment is..

i think i want to resign… again.

crap. what’s new, diba? i ALWAYS think of resigning from my job… i just never really get around to actually fixing up my papers (and more importantly, finding a better job!). anyway, what brought this on, you might ask. last friday, i joined a few friends for a few drinks (they had the drinks, i just wanted to chill out…) and while i sat there watching the people pass by, they started talking about their jobs… and how it felt good to LOVE what you do. how essential it was to LOVE YOUR WORK in order for one to become really successful.

…alright, fine. maybe that wasn’t the exact topic. i did have one long island iced tea and i was tired… i was only half-listening to what they were talking about. but anyway, the topic hit home. i hate the fact that i sit in front of a computer 5 days a week with a headset on my head while i listen to people’s problems. i HATE APOLOGIZING to people and DEFENDING POLICIES EVEN I THINK IS UNFAIR. it sucks. it really, really sucks. i find myself back to the point where i only go to work because: a) i just really want to see my friends there, and b) i just really need to make some money.

sometimes, i lay awake for hours on end just thinking of where i should be at 23. (look at me, i’m 23… beautiful but SAD TO SEE tonight..) i keep thinking about how my life would’ve gone if i had written down "International Studies -Japan" in my first choice of course in DLSU… if i had just gone the extra mile and studied - ACTUALLY STUDIED!!! - for the entrance exams… maybe i could’ve made it into a scholarship program or something. i don’t really know how that would’ve gone, but one thing’s for sure… i wouldn’t be the me i am today. would i have been a better ‘me’? perhaps. i’ll never know and anyway, it’s pointless to ask oneself these kinds of questions since there’s no solid answer for these kinds of things. best i can do is thank my lucky stars that i met Sky… they keep me young and i realized that the last time i was out with Twish. (SKY: i miss the old days. sarap mag-reminisce talaga!)

…they say that realizing you’re wrong is the first step to making yourself a better person. i’ve realized i was wrong to ever enter this godforsaken industry… i need to get out of it. i need to find a new job. but then, of course - ONCE AGAIN! - i’m just too tired to get off my ass and look for a new job. that, plus i’m psyching myself up a bit since the holidays are just around the corner. can’t be without money during the holidays - nope, nope, nope… i wonder when the next step of the whole process for self-betterment (is there such a word?? bahala na…) begins for someone like me…

i am my own worst enemy. crap.

ANG TAMAD MO!!!

(errmm… looks like this turned out to be longer than i had originally planned. oh well. that’s me for you - i say one thing, i do another. crap. need to work on that.)

i’m know i’m pushing myself too hard…

i think i’m going to snap any minute…

…patay.

again, here goes work… interfering with the things i love doing the most. man… i hate working.

so what’s new this september? nothing much, but for lack of better things to write about, let me try and dig up some interesting things that might be worth mentioning.

>> my backpay was finally released and after everything i’ve gone through, i finally had it cashed. now however, i’m running low - again! i hate bills.

>> finally got together with hogi sometime around mid-month last month. just strolled around the mall, catching up on news and the like until mish joined us. then we really had a mission: to help mish buy slacks for a school thesis (?) presentation. we ended up closing the night with a few more stories at the smoking lounge near the starbucks cafe on the 4th level of g4. the moon was full (or at least it looked like it) and a real sight to see at that time. a friend remarked on the beauty of the very same image i was staring at, and it brought back memories. ah, if only we could turn back time to relive those moments, things would be so much nicer.

>> i attended a mcdo children’s party… held for a 22 year old little lady. belated happy birthday, star! hahaha, it was fun. got a sneak peek at mcdo’s bobblehead mascot. still freaks me out a bit (hey, he’s a CLOWN, okay?! i hate clowns!)

>> hooked on updharmadown’s "OO" right now… man, it’s sweet. sarap pang kantahin! WHEEEE!!!

>> work? hah, i’ve taken to doing overtime on a regular basis, unfortunately. hectic. ang daming nangyayari ngayon… pero kaya pa naman. ngayon pa na RECHARGED na ulit ako?! august is gone, baby! and i’m back, yes i’m back! here’s to another wild ride in Xbox! pamparamparum!!!

>>gutom na ako. timing. the maid just called me to have dinner. sweet. mamaya, kainin ko yung oreo wafer sticks na binili ko kanina sa puregold. sasabayan ko pa siya ng full cream milk. ahhhh… sarap! XD

"OO" ~ Updharmadown

…‘Di mo lang alam . Naiiisip kita . Baka sakali lang maisip mo ako . ‘Di mo lang alam . Hanggang sa gabi inaasam makita kang muli . Nagtapos ang lahat sa di inaasahang pahanon . At ngayon ako ay iyong iniwan . Luhaan, sugatan, ‘di mapakinabangan . Sana nagtanong ka lang . Kung ‘di mo lang alam . Sana’y nagtanong ka lang . Kung ‘di mo lang alam . Ako’y iyong nasaktan . Baka sakali lang maisip mo naman . Hindi mo lang alam . Kay tagal na panahon . Ako’y nandirito pa rin hanggang ngayon para sa’yo . Lumipas mga araw na ubod ng saya . ‘Di pa rin nagbabago ang aking pagsinta . Kung ako’y nagkasala patawad na sana . Puso kong pagal ngayon lang nagmahal . ‘Di mo lang alam . Ako’y iyong nasaktan . Baka sakali lang maisip mo naman . Puro s’ya na lang . Sana’y ako naman . ‘Di mo lang alam . Ika’y minamasdan . Sana’y iyong mamalayang hindi mo lang pala alam . ‘Di mo lang alam . Kahit tayo’y magkaibigan lang . Napapaligaya lang sa tuwing nagkukulitan . Baka sakali lang maisip mo naman . Ako’y nandito lang . Hindi mo lang alam . Matalino ka naman . Kung ikaw at ako . Ay tunay na bigo sa laro na ito . Ay dapat bang sumuko . Sana hindi ka lang pala aking nakilala . Kung alam ko lang ako’y masasaktan ng ganito . Sana’y nakinig na lang ako sa nanay ko . ‘Di mo lang alam . Ako’y iyong nasaktan . Baka sakali lang maisip mo naman . Puro s’ya na lang
Sana’y ako naman . Isang kindat man lang . ‘Di mo lang alam . O, ika’y minamasdan . Sana iyo’y mamalayang di mo lang pala alam . Oooooooo . Malas mo
Ikaw ang natipuhan ko . Di mo lang alam . Ako’y iyong nasaktan…

here’s something to think about: during the last few moments of your life, who would you rather think about: the people you love? or the people who loved you?

think about it - these are two different kinds of people we’re talking about. sure, we’ve been lucky enough at times to find someone who loves us back but face it. not everyone you’ve loved *really* loved you back. and you certainly can’t say (with all honesty) that you loved everyone who’s ever loved you.

so. how would you rather go? would you rather die knowing that you had actually experienced loving someone selflessly? or would it better dying with the knowledge that you were someone worth loving? you can’t pick both. you can’t have them meet halfway. if you were to choose… which it would it be?

man. "love" was repeated 9 times in this short entry alone. hah! go figure. oops… the one in quotations marks the 10th time. man i’m so bored. @,@

may nakalimutan pala ako… chowking lauriat. YUN! ngayon ko lang bigla naalala kung gaano ako natakam dun noon! chowing lauriat with halo-halo (ube ice cream please!) tapos dunkin donuts for dessert. woooooowwww… sarap nun…

…patay. pinost ko pa mga itsura ng gusto kong kainin ngayon. patay talaga… malala na ito. hindi na ito normal.

   woke up at exactly 6:34am. first thought of the day? dunkin donuts. within a minute of my awakening, i decided to call my sister at work since i knew she was nearing the end of her shift.

  "hiiii ate, where are youuuuu?" <—hehe, onting lambing ng boses pa! strategy, my dears… strategy. *wink*

   "at work. just finishing up then i’ll be going home. why?"

   "buy me donuuuuuuuuuts? pleeeeaasssse?"

   " *silence* you called me at 6 am to tell me you want donuts?!"

   "hehe… yup,yup…"

   " *sighs* what do you want?" "(semi-hyper mode bigla) chocobutternut! two please! pay you when you get home…"

   after i put the phone down, i realized i had blurted out the wrong flavor - i was actually aiming for some choco honey-dipped ones. =S oh well. hehe, rather than call my sister back up to correct my order, i called my brother (who was due back home any minute) instead. why my brother, you ask? *ahem* i wanted to be sure i get my donuts, one way or the other. nyahahahaha!!!chocobutternut from my sister, chocohoneydipped from my brother! panalong plano…

   out of coverage area nga lang yung kuya ko nung tumawag ako sa kanya. drat! ayan tuloy, tinext ko na lang siya habang jinu-jumpstart ko yung ps2 namin. when suikoden finally started playing properly, my ate came home with her boyfriend (pat) in tow. no donuts. sarado pa daw. =( oh well. hehe, at least pat promised to get me donuts later within the day. YEHEYYY FOR PAT! YAHOOO!!!

   sumaya ulit ako. nag-champorado na lang muna ulit.

   when my sister dropped by my brother’s room (which is where we keep the ps2), i mentioned i ordered donuts from him as well.

   "tell him to get me some of the sugary ones din…"

   hahahaha! it’s catching! my dunkin donut craze is spreading! nyahahaha!!! i should get paid for this… anyway, just a little before lunchtime, my brother returned home with… MY DONUTS! WHEEEEE!!!XD 2 choco-honeydipped donuts from dunkin donuts! SARAP! ubos agad within 3 minutes of first opening the bag - another satisfied customer! *grin*

   so anyway, noon turned to afternoon, turned to night. when i next saw pat, he said he’d have my sister bring home my donuts for me. WHEEE!!! more donuts! astig! midnight snack for sure! it’s now 8:29pm as i write this. kaka-dinner ko pa lang, but here i am yet again, craving for my donuts. yeesh. malala na ata ito. gluttony na ata…

   oh, and for the record, i only stopped playing suikoden a few minutes ago. imagine that. from 6:30am till 8:30pm. 14 hours straight. wooooowwww…0,o

   here’s a song that’s been playing over and over in mind. rai was the one who first mentioned this to me. i downloaded the file, and i liked it immediately. i don’t know why. maybe it was because of the lyrics. maybe, as usual, it might’ve been the vocals. maybe… i don’t know. i won’t try to pry my mind open just to answer one little insignificant question. just read on and get a copy if you want to…

Broken this fragile thing now // And I can’t, I can’t pick up the pieces // And I’ve thrown my words all around // But I can’t, I can’t give you a reason // I feel so broken up (so broken up) // And I give up (I give up) // I just want to tell you so you know // Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you // You are my only one // I let go, there’s just no one that gets me like you do // You are my only, my only one // Made my mistakes, let you down // And I can’t, I can’t hold on for too long // Ran my whole life in the ground // And I can’t, I can’t get up when you’re gone // And something’s breaking up (breaking up) // I feel like giving up (like giving up) // I won’t walk out until you know // Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you //You are my only one // I let go, there’s just no one who gets me like you do // You are my only, my only one // Here I go so dishonestly // Leave a note for you my only one // And I know you can see right through me // So let me go and you will find someone // Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you // You are my only one // I let go, there’s just no one, no one like you // You are my only, my only one // My only one // My only one // My only one // You are my only, my only one ————-> ONLY ONE by Yellowcard