nga pala. that last line of mine made me think about something else that’s been bothering me…

is it really so weird and so hard to understand that a person can be alone and yet not be lonely at the same time? a lot of people i know find me weird because i often take trips to wherever (to the select store at shell at 3am, to a carnival for hours till it closes, to the mall…) with no one tagging along.

weird ba talaga? sensya na, hindi ko talaga gets eh. hindi ba kaya mas weird kung magpapasama ka sa taong dein mo naman trip talaga kasama dahil lang gusto mong may kasama ka? o kaya kung magpasama ka dahil lang ayaw mong sabihan kang weirdo? hindi ba mas maganda kung magpasama ka sa mga tao na trip mong kausapin? o kaya yung mga taong kuntento lang na asa tabi mo kahit dein ka nagsasalita?

why should i be forced to suffer the presence of someone who isn’t welcome? don’t get me wrong though, sinasabi ko naman sa mga tao pag ayokong may kasama ako sa mga oras na yun. (so for those of you who might be hesitant to join in on a tripping, don’t worry about things. if i say it’s okay for you to come, then i mean it.)

i’m not changing. mas convenient sa akin ang ganito kasi at least kahit kelan, pag may trip akong gawin, dein kong kelangan ng kasama para sumaya.

no complications about schedules…

no need to worry about whether they get home safely after the tripping…

todo bawas sa sakit talaga ng ulo.

*sigh* sensya na. it gets annoying sometimes, having people look surprised when you mention you were all alone when you went to a certain place. hahaha, pero kung sa bagay nga naman… i’ve been like this for so long, i should already be used to it. again people… it IS possible to be alone and not be lonely. think about it… better yet, give it a try. you might acquire a taste for solitude.

things never go according to plan. when will i ever learn? THEY NEVER GO ACCORDING TO PLAN. kahit na mukhang magja-jackpot ka na sa mga plano mo sa buhay, kahit sobrang andun na ang lahat ng kelangan mo para sumaya ka’t matupad ang mga plano mo… may sasablay at may sasablay pa rin. buwisit.

*sigh* again i find myself sinking deeper into an ocean of so many lies and fake promises. i learned before that i should never expect things (though this is virtually an impossible feat, i think i was able to accomplish it at least 80% of the way…) so at least that way, i’m never disappointed. i never saddened by the fact that things didn’t go as expected… i never feel what i feel right now.

i guess this is why my life is so fucked up right now. somewhere along the way, i’ve learned to NOT worry about the future (too much). I’ve become adept at it that i am unable to foresee where i’ll be 5 years from now. hell, who am i kidding? i don’t even know where i’ll be a month from now. galing noh? i’m so special…

i’m tired of all these emotional battles. i wish that just once - at least JUST ONCE! - in my life, i can just let loose. forsake every responsibility i have and just not worry about consequences or feelings after. let the true me come out and play. pero syempre, hindi pwede yun. whatever i do will have consequences. and if it doesn’t have an effect on me, it will have its effects on others, then guilt would creep in… ah, crap.

i think i need another sort of distraction… another vacation? hahaha, napapadalas na ata masyado yang mga hirit kong ganyan. sunod-sunod naman ang mga outings ko, so i don’t understand what i want anymore. obviously, outings aren’t enough to cure me of this sickness.

i wish i could just quit.

magsi-alisan nga kayong lahat… gusto kong mag-isa muna.

shared a very simple (yet VERY satisfying breakfast) with rai and tita baby. while eating, i noticed a bottle of Celium (did i spell it right?) and remarked on it. tita and i had to explain to rai what it was for, and from there, the talk revolved around farts, bowels, and the like. over breakfast ito ha. OVER BREAKFAST! Adding the fact that tita baby was actively taking part in the discussion pa? hilarious! XD

we went over to pantaleon from there to pick up her cousin and also for the people to say their goodbyes to rai. there were dogs there. may galis (again with the spelling…) yung isang aso dun, tapos para daw di mahawa, pinahiran nila ng langis yung ibang mga aso. so there i was, trying to have a conversation with rai’s tita girlie while we dodged the dogs running around from time to time. because i was looking down at a puppy that had oil over it as well while i was on my way out the gate, i failed to notice that one had to duck to avoid getting hit on the forehead by the top part of the gate. BAM! nahilo ako dun ng onti… @_@

tita baby, mikoy and eila (in the backseat), and rai and i (passenger seat) all crammed into the beetle and sped off (late na si rai eh…). ang kulit lang kasi we didn’t know where i was to be dropped off.

Cris: tita, kahit saan sa EDSA ako pwede ibaba…
Tita: eto, EDSA na ‘to eh…
Cris: okay… (waits for tita to stop somewhere, but the car just keeps on going)
Rai: ma, san ba natin bababa si cris?
Tita: dun oh! (referring to a spot about 400 meters away) kasi kung dito, maglalakad pa si cris papuntang bus stop…
(past the 400 meter mark though, she still keeps going)

anyway, they eventually did drop me off somewhere in guadalupe. i was late for training, but i don’t mind. as said by christmas eve (avenue q), "it’s for a good cause".

training, training, training pagdating sa market. during my lunch hour (and a half), ate at kfc then went over to the parking lot to think. sarap ng hangin dun, sobra… kaso istorbo yung mga lalakeng pumunta dun para mag-yosi. sa irita ko, umalis tuloy ako. tambay na lang sa training room.

after training, went straight to eurostar hoping it would help to take my mind off things. daming tao! BUWISIT! haba pa ng pila sa joker, di tuloy ako makalapit. went to the horror house instead.

hahaha, ang tapang ko rin noh? pumasok akong mag-isa lang… kabadong-kabado pa kasi the last time i went into a horror house, nanghahabol pa yung mga halimaw sa loob. buti na lang mostly gadgets lang ang multo sa loob. bigla na lang magfo-forward yung statue sa kanto, may mahuhulog sa ulo mo na furry pa tapos may sound ng paniki, may maririnig kang sigaw sa may likod mo (pero speakers lang yun tsaka sound effects)… EH PAGSABAYIN BA NAMAN YUNG MGA YUN!

ayun tuloy… nalunok ko yung chewing gum ko. 0_o

hahaha, sa may pahuling part pa, dun may lumabas na taong naka-costume… sabayan pa ng lahat ng gumagalaw na gadget! TAKBOOOOOO!!! habang minumura ang mga gumugulat sa akin… (mga gago kayo! aah, shit! siraulo! AAAAAAAHHHH!!!) half-laughing, half-choking habang palabas ng exit tuloy…

ang haba parin ng pila sa joker, kaya lakad muna akong papuntang starbucks. bili ng venti na hot choco (with extra whip of course!) tapos isang mug din. sabay lakad ng onti, nung napagod, basta na lang umupo sa ilalim ng streetlight sa kung saan man. soundtrip, kanta lang ng malakas, isip-isip, onting luha… haha, may mga dumadaan-daan pang kotse tsaka mga taong bigla na lang nagdadahan-dahan habang katapat ko. ako? wala, todo titig lang direcho. dein ko sila pinapansin. umalis na lang ako nung may mga pesteng batang tumambay din malapit sa pwesto ko. balak sanang bumalik ng eurostar, kaso 130am na yun. sinara na nila yung gates. direcho na lang akong market, tambay sa baba…

haaaay buhay, another day full of adventures… kaka-drain. both emotionally and physically.

** rai… miss na kita! yung tickets namin ni twish, reserve mo na ha! wakekeke… ^____^

i was looking up some resignation letter samples for a friend on the net when a specific link caught my attention. This was the link and the description:

Just for Fun
Fill in the blanks at the Resignation Server to create a nice-to-nasty resignation letter sample! Since it’s in the UK, the spelling of some words is different than in the US. Remember, this is just for fun!

so, all in the name of fun, i entered the information required (not knowing what was to come) and received this personalized resignation letter (under the "angry and upset" category):

I resign!

Dear Boss Nikki,

Despite selflessly devoting my time to Ambergris Solutions Inc since January 12, 2005 you have never recognised my worth. Now that I’ve been offered more than you can afford by our biggest rival I’m leaving this sinking ship.

You ought to know that I heard Javier Infante saying you were a "mokmok".

Yours

Cristina Miranda

hahaha! talk about mood swings talaga… XD

i just got back from a walk after my lunch today and i just realized something…

i’m wasting away.

once again, i am just another backseat passenger in Life’s joyride. i’m pretending to be asleep, even when so many people are already nudging me out of their way. even when people are already stepping over me, or maybe even stepping ON me, i still pretend not to notice. wow… the beginnings of a loser.

ever feel this way? your mood darkens, your friends are far away so you have no one to distract you from the thoughts that creep into your head, and you’re left all by your lonesome to battle the inner demons that try to steal your happiness away. thoughts hit you one after the other (bam! bam! bam!) and try as you will, nothing stops their onslaught. they massacre your brain cells, crush your sense of peace and contentment, and kill you (brain, body, and heart) slowly… ever so slowly…

the last time i was like this was back in december… pagod na naman ako. i need some sort of distraction…

an out-of-town trip would cure me. tagaytay, baguio, even puerto… but none of those are possible right now. no money. got work. next option? i think it’s time to go back to the Joker…

NYAHAHAHA!!!

nakapag-mister kabab kami kagabi! sa wakas! natapos na ang isa kong craving… XD hehe, i’ve been craving for a night at mister kabab’s ever since i ate a beef kabab at puerto.

the service was bad. my god , sobrang sama ng service talaga! the waitresses were hard to call. the food, when served, would just be unceremoniously dumped onto our table with neither a word spoken nor a nod of the head. namali pa yung shake na inorder ko (my supposedly ripe mango shake turned PINK! what the hell?!). but the food… wow… the food.

if the food weren’t so good, i wouldn’t even bother to waste my time traveling all the way to QC for some keema or chelo kabab (with matching rice and butter on top! WAHOO!). ang saraaaaap ng kinain ko! sobrang busooooooog! one order of keema (no eggplant please!) plus rice (again, matching butter on top ha! can’t do without the butter, folks…) and a mango shake started my night. sometime during my meal, i added a chelo kabab (again, with the rice! XD) plus a glass of water.

GRABEEEEEH! busog! sobra… i have the feeling i won’t be craving for mister kabab for quite a while… 0_o

*******************

it’s the 23rd of february as i post this… birthday ni Luis (fellow xboxer) ngayon.

hApPy BiRThdaY Ninang Beauty! (Wahahahahaha!!! bLame it on Sexy…XD)

i spend a lot of time nowadays just lying on my bed and thinking. about what? stuff… mostly though, i find myself thinking about a close friend’s imminent departure.

we’ve had a lot of fun times together. wallclimbing, trekking, swimming, mga "exercise" sessions kuno, nonsense talks, spur of the moment outings, late night kwentuhans, mga kwelang kabaliwan (remember eggrolling on the music room’s floor? haha, those were the days! XD walang pakialam talaga kung anong inisip ng ibang tao habang nage-eggroll tayo eh! tapos nag-attempt pang mag-hand stand… lufet ng trip! ^____^)…

only 4 days to go.

tomorrow night, i’ll be having dinner with my sisters at good ol’ mr. kabab.

after tomorrow night, it’ll be a long time before we can have dinner again together… it’ll just be me and twish here, and rai on the other side of the world.

ngayon pa lang, rai, namimiss na kita. paano na kaya pag hindi na kita pwedeng basta-bastang yayain? ano nang mangyayari? buwisit! gusto ko nang… *sinking into a fit of depression*

hahaha, weirdong ulyanin! nakalimutan kong ikuwento kung bakit may pic akong nakaturo sa pintuan ng kuwarto namin.

hehe, 11:30 am kami nag-check out sa room. binigay na namin yung susi namin sa may ari tapos dinala na namin mga gamit namin sa may beach para antayin yung batang pinagawan namin ng mga bracelet. after the bracelets were finished, we stayed a few hours by the beach, dozing off, trying (in vain!) to recreate the bracelets that the kids were making, spacing out… unfortunately, the sun got too hot for us so we decided to go back to the room.

that was around 3 in the afternoon already, so technically, our room wasn’t "our" room anymore for more than 3 hours already. we found the room unlocked and the key hanging from the knob when we went back, but  we only stayed outside the room. before leaving though, Rai had to go to the bathroom, so, after looking around, Rai slipped into the room. i stood outside and took that picture then.

i can’t stop staring at my pants though…hahaha, ang weird talaga g itsura ng fisherman’s pants! …pero naaaliw ako. hehehe… =)

*** gusto kong mag-trip uLit…0_o puerto… boracay… la union… TAGAYTAY… BAGUIO… magyaya nga kayo! =D

just got back from a weEkend with Rai at puerto… BITIN! pero enjoy… sobra. =)

i was Late meEting Rai at the bus terminal, but at Least i got there with a Lot of time to spare (bus didn’t Leave till 20 minutes after…).

ANG LAKAS NG ALON NUNG PAPUNTA KAMI SA PUERTO! shyet… @_@ i was, at times, actually already mourning over the electronic devices i had with me… hehe, buti na lang hindi lumubog ang bangka. kaso… sablay ng onti kasi imbis na sa white beach kami napunta, sa bayan kami bumaba. napa-tricycle tuloy kami papuntang beach. *hay buhay…*

we got the fan room in a nice section of the beach for P500 a night.

after we settled in, breakfast kami agad tapos direchong swimming. after a while, napagtripang magpa-henna tattoo (hehe, ang init na kasi sobra ng sikat ng araw eh!)… nyahaha, nakatulog ako habang tinatattoo-an ako! XD pag gising ko, gulat na lang ako kasi tapos na pala ang tattoo ko! ehehehe… =p

after rai got her tattoo, we went back to the beach after dropping off some stuff at the room. swam a bit, then when we got tired (again) we settled on the sand. we got the idea of making a sandcastle… along the process though, the sandcastle turned into a turtle. (0_0) hehe, cute turtle! XD

the tide was already reaching us from time to time so rai went back to the room to get the camera. i just lay on my stomach… got a bit too comfortable… and dozed off.

hehe, when i woke up, rai had already taken a picture of the turtle and i. we waited for the sun to set, then ate dinner.

ANG SARAAP NG BEEF KEBAB!!! XD the best! sabayan mo pa ng choco-banana shake? AY, HEAVEN!!! ^____^ we went back to the room after to wash up and relax before heading out to the beach at night. dun kami tumambay sa dulo ng beach… which brought back memories of equally happy times with the people from xbox++.

we had to cut our stargazing short though, because rai said she felt a bug near her ear. before going back to the room though, we decided to grab some chips and something to drink.

hahaha!!! pagkatapos naming makuha mga binili namain, ang tagal pa naming nakatayo lang sa may counter, dein nag-uusap! mga siraulo ba naman kasi kami… i thought rai was still waiting for her change, pero spaced-out lang pala siya nun. hahaha, laugh trip! mukha kaming baliw dun, nag-aantay sa wala. may 2 patron pa dun sa store, tapos nung umalis kami na nagtatalo’t tumatawa, narinig kong pinag-uusapan nila kami’t tumatawa din. haaay buhay… hay rai…

anyway, kwentuhan na lang kami sa room hanggang nakaidlip. when i woke up knwoing i didn’t want to go back to sleep, i left the room to walk around. from time to time, i’d go back to check up on rai, but she’d be sleeping, or she’d ask a question then sleep again. so i left her for breakfast.

picked a spot facing the beach and watched as the sky started to lighten.

ate an american breakfast (2 pcs of toast, 1 slice of ham, 2 strips of bacon, 2 eggs, and a mug of hot chocolate) plus an additional 2 pcs of toast with butter, plus an extra mug of hot chocolate. SARRRAAAAPPP!!! =D the waitress there found me amusing (i guess) because she’d stop to chat sometimes, ask me a few questions, and joke about how much i was eating. when rai finally joined me, we went down to the far end of the beach (the one with the big rocks) and took pictures of each other.

of course, before we could reach the spot, nakasalubong namin ang isang magtataho, so, um-order kami. rai had one glass, i had two…

cris: (looking at the taho) manong, teka, teka lang… wag ka munang umalis ha… tikman ko muna yung taho.

manong: (hands cris and rai a glass each)

cris: (tastes the taho then nods approvingly) manong, pahingi pa ako ng isa pang baso ng taho. yung tig-20 pesos po… (sabay ngiti)

after tripping by the rocks, rai went for breakfast. she ate some sort of adobo dish, but couldn’t finish her food, so i ended up eating her leftover. add to that the iced tea and chocolate shake that i ordered… plus the large bottle of mineral water.

ANG TAKAW KO… @_@

anyway, the rest of the afternoon was pretty much spent relaxing and sight-seeing (and waiting for the 4 o’clock boat to arrive).

the boat ride was a surprise as it felt like a mini-rolller coaster.  the waves were bigger than they were during our ride to puerto, but somehow, this ride back didn’t bring up any "i hope i don’t die…" thoughts. relaxing in a way (when you get past the ticklish feeling in the stomach).

the bus ride back to manila was like the transition period from vacation mode back to i-don’t-want-to-work-anymore mode… tamang nag-rereminisce na lang kami tsaka onting usap-usap… panay tawanan.

mamimiss kita rai.

**some special messages for special people:

Kuya and Luis - you guys made my mini-vacation a heLLuva Lot haPpiER dahiL sa mga pabaon niyo. astig kayo! XD

Twish - namiss ka namin ng sobra. walang masamang nangyari sa amin… aantayin ko ang araw na papayagan kang sumama. tayong dalawa naman ang magtri-trip dun! =)

Rai - had a bLast! remember: pag may sablay, dapat may next time! XD

last wednesday night, Donna, Kuya, Luis, Borge, and I went to greenhills to have a playstation 2 fixed. all we were able to do, however was get a price on how much it would be to fix it (5K? yeowch… 0_0). hung out at gerry’s grill for a span of two bottles of beer and 3 separate trips to the washroom. by that time, it was already 9 pm and the boys were ready to call it a day. donna and i wanted to hang out a bit more, so we decided to kill time at one of the starbucks branches. to our surprise, Borge suddenly said he wanted to go with us, then Bich followed suit saying he was craving for some hot chocolate as well. pinilit na rin namin si kuya, so we all ended up in starbucks till 11pm.

**aside lang muna: mga laughtrip namin kasi nun, astig. bich ordered a venti hot chocolate then, a third of the way into his drink, he got up and got four packets of sugar - all of which he emptied into his cup! @_@ in the meantime, borge was telling this story about a news report he saw on tv. can’t really remember much about what he said, but all i remember are these few lines:

Borge: "pinaglihi kasi sa syokoy (siokoy?) yung tao. nilagyan siya ng buhok, inayusan ng itsura…"

Luis: "ano na itsura niya ngayon?"

Borge: "ayun, mukhang syokoy (siokoy?) na inayusan!"

bigla ko tuloy naalala nun yung movie na pinanood namin ni cy sa gateway (shake, rattle, and roll)! that was why i kept laughing at that time… kahit na hindi na yun yung pinag-uusapan nina borge, sige pa rin ang tawa ko. i kept seeing the creature from the second part of the movie. paano ba naman kasi diba? pinaglihi daw yung bata sa goldfish, kaya haLimaw ang itsura. dagdag pa sa visual na yun yung mga Lines galing sa movie: dahil dun sha nilunod sa aquarium ng kanyang ama dahil sha ay pangit kaya sha pinagmaskara, pinaglihi sa goldfish…

soLid Laugh trip back in december, and it was stiLL a soLid Laugh trip a few days ago… =)

now, around 11pm, everyone really had to go home (well, everyone except me…). i was supposed to go check out the pedicab station around the corner when i got the bright idea of waiting for my mom at my brother’s building (saves me the transpo fare too…). so we all hopped into the taxi that was waiting and sped off towards robinsons galleria. a few minutes into the ride, i realized that my brother’s shift wouldn’t start till 1 am. oh well…

anyway, because i had time alone to myself (a LOT of time actually), i grabbed whatever pen and paper i could find and started scribbling away… (my first paper was actually the cover for the empty malboro pack i had with me while the second page had to be scribbled on a starbucks table napkin.)

WF82k6

makeshift paper dude… 0_o

Feb. 8, 2006

sitting once again outside a starbucks branch (this time along emerald avenue), it’s been about an hour and 1/2 since kuya dropped me off here. ordered a grande vanilla cream drink then took a walk and found myself in…

metrowalk. 0_o ang haabaaa ng nilakad ko. thought i’d chill at the starbucks branch there but thought better of it.

walked around the parking lots a bit then found myself…

back in the emerald avnue branch of starbucks. hay buhay! "stop with the walking!" a little voice inside my head whispers.

so i sit down and watch the events of the night unfold…

unfortunately, i’ve been sitting here for around 15 minutes already and nothing’s interested me so far. booooooringgg…

i wanted to walk towards EDSA, ride a bus going to taft/buendia, hop onto a bus bound to… well, anywhere but here.

(drink is still half-full. hardly drank anything on my walks… puro soundtrip eh.)

(start of second page)

buti di ako nabangga. i just remembered that aside from soundtripping while walking, halos lagi pa akong nakatingala sa langit.

there were no stars *again* because of the *ahem* "clouds" overhead. ang boring, taena! gloomy tignan… then i remembered that i’ll be going back to puerto in a week, so hah! oks na ulit.

pero again, i remembered something… or rather, someone. actually, i didn’t really think of someone in particular. i’m missing a lot of people right now. it would be nice to know that the people i miss feel the same way as i do. i hope they find themselves reminiscing about whateversecrets, laughs, or sob stories we might’ve shared together. haaayyy… i’m getting sentimental - and i HATE it when i get like this because it brings down my mood. ah, crap. enough of the drama for now…

so here i am, contemplating on whether to start walking towards my still-unknown destination (wherever my feet take me…), and i hear another small voice whisper:

"wag na kasing mag-isip…"

so i don’t think. i wait…

and curiously enough, i’m still here - unable to move anything but the hand that holds this pen. PAH!

another adventure put off. haaay, i guess it’s for the best since my mom wouldn’t appreciate me texting her to say that i’m on my way to god-knows-where and that i won’t be back till morning.

so tonight, i guess i’ve had enough. good thing that the moment of insanity had already passed. i can think clearly again…

WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING HERE AT 1 AM WHEN I PLAN TO GO ROLLERBLADING TOMORROW MORNING AT THE FORT?!!

i have no other excuse to give other than this… sabog eh. 0_o

haaaay buhay….

~~~

i never got to go rollerblading though. my mom was too tired and i woke up late anyway. 0_o dein din nakapagpa-ear piercing kasi nag-cancel si Jowee (had some errands to do i guess…). so i sLept aLLLLLLLL daaaaaayyyy Looooooong…