~L0st iN My 0wN miNd~

asar na talaga.

i have had nothing else to say other than that which i started this blog entry with: asar na talaga.

sucks eh. lam nyo yun? kahit anong gawin mo, feeling mo wala pa ring kwenta? yung efforts mo, nasasayang lang? nakaka-down lang talaga eh. i wish i could just take a step back from life’s party to figure out where my life started to go wrong. i’m not happy with the work i do anymore. i LOVE the company i keep, but with the stress this job brings? the headaches? the sleepless nights? the PAY?? it’s not worth it. really, it isn’t.

has anyone ever been demoted because they’d rather have a less stressful life? can i be the first?? 0_o

24 hours is simply not enough to do everything that needs to be done. but then again, it isn’t right for one to try cramming so many activities in a single day.

nababaliw na ako. o baka naman baliw na talaga? malala na ito… i’m tired. bahala na.

thursday afternoon, got off work early because i had to. headed off to eastwood to cool my head down and after roaming around for a few minutes, sat my ass down on one of starbucks’ couches. i began to write as the whipped cream on top of my belgian waffle started to melt…

     "it’s jingle-jangling in my head, the stone that rolls away from the garden of my eye that sees more than you do… from my head to the toes of the feet below. the heels that show how the distant glistening sun could be…

     it’s never been easy being complicated like me. emotions in a whirl of tornadoes where you’re never near the eye. it’s a jumble of words in my head that needs an outlet, an expression, a being capable of understanding nothing that you say. words are too many though, so hard to choose which would to use to express the truth the lips want to emit.

     weird words formulate in the vastness of nothing. weird words unspellable and unspeakable. ssshhh…

     an expression of life never fails to amuse its reader, the bystander sitting in the lap of Life unmoving, unwilling to be moved.

     several summers ago, i grew up to be this.

     lipgloss stains the edges of the coffee cup in front of me. the cup of coffee that is filled to the brim with hot chocolate. funny. weird."

it doesn’t make sense right? but who gives a shit? i rarely make sense these days anyway.

after my snack at starbucks, i went window shopping a bit and ended up in timezone. played a few games of initial d (after a few months, i was finally able to chill… time spent with my favorite person in the world:me.), hehe, even got challenged by this guy as well (i lost by 0.2m… shit.). he wanted a rematch, but i said i didn’t want to spend any more money on initial d (he challenged me by the time i was on my 4th game…). went around timezone a few more times, ended up going inside a karaoke room, played a few songs (sang the songs too, but didn’t use the microphone… "It just takes some time, little girl you’re in the middle of the ride everything (everything) will be just fine, everything (everything) will be alright (alright)…"). as i was leaving timezone, i got distracted by the row of colorful machines off to one side. turned out to be a bunch of neo-printy kind of gadgets. hehe… napagtripan magpa-picture. i’ll include the pictures in my friendster account when i have time… halatang stressed out kahit sa pic (pero buti na lang mukhang masaya pa rin…).

you see, stress levels are STILL on an all-time high. i’m in desperate need of a vacation… either that or maybe just one whole day of pure fun. a whole day spent just chilling, talking about non-work related issues, tripping… a day without any worries whatsoever.

priorities, priorities…

it’s so hard finding out what to prioritize when you feel that everything’s important anyway. it sucks big time because you become so confused that at times (most of the time, actually) you end up prioritizing nothing.

Life would be so much easier if someone would just walk up to me, tell me the details about my life for the next 10 years to come, tell me exactly what to do to be happy…

a pal recently said that he’s the director, scriptwriter, and star of his own show (meaning his life)… good for him. wish i could feel the same way but hell, i don’t even want to live my own life sometimes. nakakapagod na. sometimes, it just seems like such a good idea to shout out a "take 5" to everyone in my life, just so i can walk out of the scene, take a breather, and watch as events unfold. but things can’t happen if the star of the show isn’t there.

life is never easy.

it will never be easy.

death always seems so much sweeter at times like these… 0_o

(talk about being burned out… sobrang nakakapagod na talaga. but on the brighter side of things, i have now upped my rank to INSANE! it’s good news for me, but still… not enough to take the darkness away…)

current mood: bad trip. things are falling apart… shyet.

current sounds: Fall Out Boy - Dance Dance (enough to make my head move to the beat, but sadly not enough to make me smile right now)

Pahabol lang:

i found this MP3 by simple plan by chance. It fits my mood perfectly, so…

WELCOME TO MY LIFE - Simple Plan

Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don’t belong
And no one understands you
Do you ever wanna runaway?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming

No you don’t know what it’s like
When nothing feels all right
You don’t know what it’s like
To be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you’re down
To feel like you’ve been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one’s there to save you
No you don’t know what it’s like
Welcome to my life

Do you wanna be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more?
Before your life is over
Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With their big fake smiles and stupid lies
While deep inside you’re bleeding

No one ever lied straight to your face
No one ever stabbed you in the back
You might think I’m happy but I’m not gonna be okay
Everybody always gave you what you wanted
Never had to work it was always there
You don’t know what it’s like, what it’s like